SOME MORE MAGIC ITEMS FUCK YEAH!
See this square of fabric? IT’S A POCKET! PANTSLESS POCKET! Put it on an object or put it on yourself, I DON’T CARE, and now that thing has a pocket! You can only store in it however much empty space is in there, but it’s great for sneaking shit past the guards! Or storing that Oil of Slickness when you go to that nude beach! Don’t go storing fucking daggers in your stomach though unless you are into getting shanked in the appendix!
Tired of that goddamn wizard burning off your eyebrows with fire, acid, and lightning! YOU AIN’T THE ONLY FUCK’N ONE! Here’s the HAIR BRUSH! It’s a paintbrush that we infused with MAGICAL HAIR GROWTH TONIC! Brush on eyebrows, brush on mustache! GIVE YOURSELF A JUNGLE CROTCH I AIN’T JUDGING! Works on animals and inanimate objects too!
SPEAKING OF FIRE, that dragon’s gonna turn you into a HOT POT with that metal armor! Here’s a COAT OF FIRE RESISTANCE! It won’t catch fire, it won’t combust, IT HAS A MELTING POINT OF 1600 DEGREES! Fuck off Balrog! Your sword ain’t shit now is it! Sure, in the long run the coat will give you MESOTHELIOMA, but you ain’t thinking about the long run when you’re BEATING IFRITS IN AN ARM WRESTLING CONTEST.
Are you a lazy POS!? Of course you are, you are an adventurer! You are too busy slinging swords and swinging spells to deal with shit like FEEDING YOURSELF and HYGIENE. Put on this glove, it’s THE HELPING HAND! Do all the things to keep you living while you are KILLING THINGS with your DOMINANT HAND. It brushes your teeth as you cleave goblins, it hydrates you while you pick the lock to ARCHLICH XA’KARAKA’S TOMB. It’s POSSESSED by a TINY DEVIL! Give it a day off each week! UNION RULES! Or it’ll CHOKE YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP.
REMEMBER THE SWEAR JAR?! If you throw that thing to the floor it’ll EXPLODE and scream every swear that your dirty fucking mouth has shoved into it! It does like sonic and slashing damage or some shit like that as ears bleed and shrapnel gets into people’s legs.
You want MORE? EAT SHIT! Uuuuuh—here! This is a SLAPSTICK! Slap some poor fuck with it! Doesn’t really hurt but in about a minute something painful AND HILARIOUS will happen to them! Don’t use it consecutively because THAT’S AGAINST THE RULES OF COMEDY! You’ll get slaps instead!
- The shit for brains slips on a banana peel!
- They trip and strike themselves in the groin
- They stub ALL OF THEIR TOES
- They get poked in their stupid eyes
- A series of Rube-Goldberg accidents results in a pie to the face.
- A [d6 1. Anvil 2. Piano 3. Outhouse 4. Cow 5. Asteroid 6 A Flowerpot (and a Whale)] falls on the target
- IF YOU NEED MORE IDEAS WATCH SOME CHARLIE CHAPLIN OR BUSTER KEATON OR MARX BROTHERS.
