d100+ Weird Goats

My newest book, Bridgtown, has lots of goats. Here’s a few of them!

D2  Call

1. Meh
2. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH

D4 Size

1. Little Gruff
2. Middle Gruff
3. Big Gruff
4. KAIJU GRUFF

D6 Purpose

1. Meat/Skin
2. Milk/Dairy Products
3. Fur/Wool
4. Scrub maintenance /Trash Disposal
5. Guard Goat
6. Companionship

D8 Personality

1. Grumpy but lovable
2. Dangerously curious
3. Strong Willed and LOUD
4. Incredibly Lazy and Stubborn
5. Hunger Incarnate
6. Loving but super needy
7. Absolutely no sense of self preservation
8. Intensely territorial 

D10 Coat Color

1. White
2. Cream
3. Gold
4. Red
5. Brown
6. Mahogany
7. Black
8. Alpine Pattern
   1. Chamoisee
   2. Cou Blanc
   3. Cou Clair
   4. Cou Noir
   5. Bay
   6. Sungau
9. Swiss Pattern
   1. Toggenburg
   2. Black/Tan
   3. Chocolate/Tan
   4. Buckskin
   5. Light Buckskin
   6. Red Buckskin
10. Arcane
    1. Void Black
    2. Phosphorescent
    3. Stygian Blue
    4. Self-Luminous Red
    5. Hyperbolic Orange
    6. Octarine

D10 Horns

1. Hornless
2. Stubby
3. Corkscrewed
4. Sharp and Straight
5. Coiled, Ram Style
6. Swept Backwards
7. Curved forward (watch out for those points)
8. Huge and Ribbed
9. Long, thin and gazelle-like
10. Polycerate- Roll twice, has two sets of horns. Roll twice more if 10 is rolled

D12 Random Goat Trait

1. WATTLES!
2. Ears that put Basset Hounds to shame
3. Starts cute, grows to be incredibly ugly (look up Damascus Goats)
4. Long shaggy hair (check out Kalofers)
5. Faints when frightened
6. Fine cashmere wool
7. Screams like a human
8. A beard so long and flowering that its had to be braided and tied up
9. As stubborn as the grumpiest donkey
10. Pendulous anatomy
11. Can climb anything with less and 90 degree angle. 
12. Roll Twice

D20 Accessories 

1. A Bell- Classic!
2. A cute bow 
3. A serious bow
4. Prosthetic leg
5. A saddle
6. A small cart
7. A second, smaller goat perched on their back
8. A pair of corks on the ends of their horns
9. A toilet lid around their neck
10. A string of tin cans tied to their tail and a half chewed “Just Married” sign
11. A small wooden puppet mounted on their back like a jockey. The goat doesn’t seem to mind
12. A sign saying
    1. “Magic Goat for Sale”
    2. “I Bite”
    3. “COME SEE BUFFO’S AMAZING FIVE RING CIRCUS TODAY ONLY”
    4. “Born to Die World is a Fuck Eat Them All 1066, I am a Trash Goat 410,757,864,530 DEAD CAPITALISTS”
    5. “If you are reading this, I am actually a human under a terrible curse, please help”
    6. “Wide Load”
13. A very distinct and odious stench
14. A harmonica neck rack, the harmonia blares discordantly with each bleat.
15. Hoof Booties
16. Sunglasses and a backwards ballcap
17. A pair of jittering wind-up teeth
18. A necklace of 
    1. Shiny rocks
    2. Silver bells
    3. Turnips
    4. Barbed Wire
    5. Various small tools
    6. Ears
19. A KNIFE!
20. A JET PACK!

D100 Now Make It Weird(er)

1. Throat Goat- This goat can unhinge its jaw and swallow anything up to their own size.
2. Throat (Singing) Goat- This goat can produce multiple deep droning notes at once. The Gruffolk of Bridgetown consider this breed necessary in traditional music.
3. Stout Goat- This goat produces a dark, strong, foamy beer instead of milk.
4. Dancing Goat- This goat got into the coffee beans and now has a need for Mambo.
5. Wrote Goat- This goat’s horns are full of ink, it uses the tips to write surly messages on every surface
6. Route Goat- Like an omnivorous homing pigeon, this goat has an unerring sense of direction.
7. Float Goat- This goat has a mild disdain for gravity and levitates six inches off the ground. If really pestered it can climb air like stairs.
8. Coat Goat- This goat is exceptionally shaggy and in dire need of sheering. 1d6 Random items are lost amongst its mats.
9. Remote Goat- This goat is being used by a psychic or a wizard as a scrying focus for remote viewing. See how it stares?!
10. Smote Goat- A (un)holy symbol floats betwixt this goat’s horns. It can unleash a ray of DIVINE VENGEANCE once a day upon the nonbelievers. 
11. Bloat Goat- When frightened this goat does a mighty good impression of a pufferfish.
12. Vote Goat- By legal loopholes and shenanigans, this Goat is technically a local alderman.
13. Moat Goat- This goat swallowed a decanter of endless water and will fire off geysers if threatened. 
14. Quote Goat- This goat can remember and repeat words like a parrot. Only it always sounds like they’re mocking you.
15. Tote Goat- This goat can carry a literal ton if properly balanced/harnessed. Whether or not it’ll stick around long enough to let you do that is another question.
16. Groat Goat- Ignore size, this goat can fit in the palm of your hand.
17. Haute Goat- This goat is, for reasons only known to High Fashion Designers, the pinnacle of goat beauty. 
18. Capote Goat- This goat is wearing a hooded cloak of the sort worn by mysterious strangers in the shadowed corners of taverns. It looks thoroughly chewed upon.
19. Hope Goat- This goat is some hero’s wacky animal companion and therefore cannot die due to plot armor.
20. Volt Goat- This goat can build up enough static electricity to unleash the equivalent to a lightning bolt once a day.
21. Scroat Goat- This goat is hairless and flabby, not unlike a Sphyinx cat. 
22. Scapegoat- This goat is terrifying- huge, possessing four horns, a black shaggy coat, and glaring red eyes. It isn’t actually evil, in fact its bite cleanses sin and disease–all of which have built up inside the goat. It was small and white and precious when it was young, before it absorbed all the sin. Don’t kill it lest you release its many curses.
23. Scrapegoat- This goat is covered in scars, a black eye, and massive bulging muscles. Don’t provoke them.
24. Long Goat- This goat’s neck can stretch to 50’ with the speed of a viper strike. From there it can keep stretching with no known upper limit.
25. Circus Goat- This famous goat is a trained performer who has escaped. The Clowns will be looking for it.
26. Lute Goat- Someone tied strings between this goat’s horns, somehow they’re perfectly tuned and even an amateur can make beautiful music on it.
27. Spook Goat- When this goat faints its soul escapes its body and can act as an invisible poltergeist. It’ll return to its body when it has had its fun.
28. Slope Goat- All goats can walk up incredibly steep slopes, but this goat can calculate the degree of any slope and beat out the answer.
29. Nope Goat- This goat’s true form is awful to behold, maddening even. Those without wizard vision or are psychically attuned instead see the Nope Goat as a goat-shaped void.
30. Pope Goat- This goat has a fancy hat, can bless water, and is considered a holy figure by a small but zealous cult.
31. Trope Goat- This goat is doomed to live its life according to the tropes of a fairytale.
32. Terrible Goat- This goat is the bastard spawn of a Terrible Steed and has inherited its terrible traits.
33. Nosfer-goat-tu- Oh shit, vampire goat. A chupacabra bit it and didn’t finish it off!
34. Wizard Goat- This goat ate a spell book, they now have an extra fabulous beard and belches random spells.
35. Baphomet Goat- Looks like a normal goat, smells like a normal goat, bleats like a normal goat. Of course it must be a Demon 
36. Elope Goat- This goat has been invested with the power to marry people. It does so with impunity. 
37. Emote Goat- This goat has a disturbingly human face, why does it look so disgusted with you?
38. Bespoke Goat- This goat was born out of an alchemical exo-womb to a customer’s exacting specifications, each one is unique in ways only their Shepherd can understand.
39. Molt Goat- This goat sheds its skin (and all of its wool) as it grows, just as a snake or lizard.
40. Aries Goat- This goat is trained for war, its horns sharpened and its teeth capped with iron. A small battalion of these would give anyone trouble.
41. Unigoat- One magical horn right in the middle of the forehead. Take all of the magic that you imagine a unicorn can do with that horn and invert it.
42. Chimera- This goat is attached to a lion and a snake and it is very unhappy about it. No wonder it is breathing fire!
43. Immortagoat- This goat can be slaughtered, cooked, and eaten, and as long as the bones and skin are preserved it will come back to life the next day.
44. Capricorn- Half Fish, Half Goat, entirely unhappy to be alive.
45. BIRD GOAT- It’s got the wings of a great albatross and the bowel control of a pigeon!
46. Nithing Goat- This goat can peel back the flesh of its face exposing its bloody skull. Any who witness it are affected by a baleful curse.
47. Billy Goat Huff- This goat is high AF all the time, where is it getting this good stuff?
48. Circle Goat- BUER GOAT BUER GOAT BUER GOAT! FUCK!
49. Silk Goat- Instead of milk, this goat produces vast quantities of spider silk. 
50. G.O.A.T. – This Robo-Goat has been sent from the Future to prevent some calamity. Unfortunately it is still only as smart as your average goat.
51. Anti-Satyr- Half man, half goat, only the reverse bits of a normal satyr!
52. Boat Goat- This goat can transform into a self-rowing viking-style longship, its head becoming the prow decoration. It refuses, however, to sail if it was not adequately fed.
53. Dote Goat- This goat will imprint on someone at random, adoring them and following them across impossible dangers and distances just to lavish spitty affection upon them.
54. Mote Goat- This goat can shrink down to approximately the size of a dust particle and back at will. Do not inhale.
55. Shoat Goat- This isn’t a goat, this is a goat-sheep hybrid. Get that shit out of here. 
56. Note Goat- This goat is always jotting things down on its clipboard in a very judgemental manner (how does it write with hooves?)
57. Gloat Goat- This goat is insufferably smug about its accomplishments.
58. Rote Goat- This goat is a living supercomputer that can be taught any trick or calculation, no matter how complex, with enough repetition (and bribery.)
59. Ecto-Goat- This goat’s teeth have been replaced with blessed silver, allowing it to eat ghosts. You don’t want to be around it when its digestive processes are complete.
60. Witch Goat- This goat acts as the patron animal for a coven of witches. It is a completely normal goat, but they have fun dressing it up and spooking the villagers.
61. Scope Goat- This goat’s eyes can extend like the tentacles of a slug to see around corners.
62. Trojan Goat- This isn’t actually a goat but a clever ruse filled with hundreds of tiny Coblins (imagine the Borrowers if they have the attitude and teamwork of fire ants)
63. Troat- An attempt by trolls to breed a meat goat that could survive their boggy environments. Now it’s got the warts and the appetite of a troll on top of its unhinged goat nature.
64. Chess Goat- This goat’s fur is a distinct black and white checkerboard pattern. It also seems to be analyzing your every movement…
65. Centigoat- WHO THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE A 100 LEGGED TRAIN-GOAT? THIS IS AWFUL
66. Capra Chakra- This goat has unified its Chakras and opened its third eye. It shoots Karma Beams that cause instantaneous karmic retribution. 
67. Polarized Goat- This goat’s horns are magnetically polarized, with one emitting a powerful negative charge and the other a positive charge. This goat always faces north unless forced.
68. Orchard Goat- This goat’s exceptionally thick skull has a bonzai fruit tree growing from it which produces a small but excellent crop each year.
69. Satyr- This isn’t a goat, it’s some kind of weird reverse Gruffolk. Gross. Go away.
70. Irradiated Goat- This goat was exposed to mutagenic (1. Chemicals 2. Radiation 3. Magic 4. Cosmic Energies) and has changed in drastic ways.
71. Rot Goat- This goat is a herald of entropy, a stinking rough beast infested with wriggling maggots and disease. Vile ORKUS drips from his muzzle, its profane bite putrifies and curses the flesh of its victims–amputation and fire are the only answer. 
72. Dopplegoat- This goat is a tulpa, a manifestation of your mental picture of a goat. The more you think about it the more real it is, the more substance it pulls from you.
73. Novelty Goat- This goat is made up of a lot of…spare parts.
74. Novel Goat- This goat has a special fondness for eating the written word. Books, scrolls, newspapers, graffitied walls– once the words are eaten they are left blank. You might be able to get it to vomit up its bounty if you get to it before its done digesting.
75. Named Goat- This goat had its Name stolen by a Witch. She left another one behind as well as a little bit of magic.
76. The Golden Goat- This winged goat’s fleece is made of fine threads of gold. Unfortunately its strict (and unusual) diet outweighs the actual value of its fleece. 
77. Gooat- One of the many TERRIBLE GRIFFONS made by UNSCRUPULOUS WIZARDS, this creature combines all the worst qualities of Goats and Geese.
78. Goot- Originally created by alchemists as a marketable pet, Goots are small, palm sized orbs of jelly with cute vaguely caprine features. Unfortunately they are as ravenous as they are inquisitive and have outcompeted rats and many other vermin in the niche of their home world.
79. Goatborn- This goat’s bleat is a word of power capable of mass destruction and launching people hundreds of yards away. Yes, this is a Goat Sim and Skyrim reference.
80. Plush Goat- This plush goat was so beloved by its former owner that it came to life. Unfortunately a live goat is a lot less cuddly. 
81. Rock Goat- This goat moonlights as the lead vocalist of a rising indie band
82. Mall Rat Goat- This goat just got done with a rampage through Hot Topic with a side trip through Spencers.
83. Amphisbaena Goat- It’s a Goat head on both ends. Look up Mr. Chunks the goat if you need an idea how that turn out.
84. Idol Goat- This is a palm sized golden idol of a goat. It whispers in your head demanding sacrifices, it wishes to be fed, it wishes to GROW.
85. Moon Goat- This goat is from the moon. How do I know it’s from the moon? You’re gonna have to take my word on it.
86. Science Goat- This goat has supra-genius intellect and a dysfunctional tracking tag in their head. The government is looking for it.
87. Tardigrade Goat- This goat has all of the imperviousness of a Tardigrade as well as six legs. Some herders dehydrate their Tardigrade Goats for storage over the winter and rehydrate them come spring.
88. Anti-gravity Goat- This goat cares not for physics and thus walks up walls, treads upon ceilings, and floats with impunity. 
89. Juggernaut Goat- Once this goat gets up momentum, no physical barrier (and few magical ones) can stop its ramming power.
90. Transmutative Goat- This goat’s four chambered stomach performs all of the processes of the alchemist’s Magnus Opus. Just feed it the right ingredients and you can achieve any material–out the other end.
91. Mush-Goat- Fungi project from this mossy-coated caprine, each colorful mushroom offering the possibility of pleasure or poison upon ingestion. Gruffolk youths like to play a sort of edible Russian Roulette with them.
92. GOATED with the Sauce- This is something the kids (pun intended) say these days and I have no idea what it means.It can probably yeet you off a bridge though.
93. Caprinthrope-This is a weregoat, normally he’s an accountant named Tim. He’s honestly happier this way
94. Blur Goat- Was that a goat? It went by so fast all that remained was a barnyard smell and everything was chewed.
95. Half-A-Goat- Half of this goat is invisible, giving you a most terribly view of its inner workings.
96. The Obvious Goat- anyone seeing this goat is overwhelmed with the urge to point out that there is a goat. Even if there are dozens more around—this one here, that there’s a goat.
97. Hybrid Goat- Wizards have always sought to breed a superior goat—-pffft ha! Nah, wizards are terrible creatures who play God because they are bored. These goats got hybridized out of some hapless familiar. 
98. Odontotyrannos- A three horned black goat exceeding the size of an elephant and possessing massive gnashing teeth. It has a taste for royalty and would-be-conquerors, making it a much sought after siege weapon in peasant uprisings. 
99. Roll up three goats, they’re siblings of increasing size
100. The GOAT: All other Goats recognize this Goat as their superior. That is until they are dethroned!