Dear Goody Mooncup Episode Three: Crows, Curses, Wheels, and Worms

Name: Lich-in-Training

Message: Dear Goody Mooncup

I recently had my spare decoy phylactery pilfered by some murderous ruffians. Embarrassing, I know. I hear you are an expert of curses of a curious sort. Do you have any suggestions for potential viciousness I could inflict on them from afar?

Yours sincerely etcetera etcetera



Dear Semi-lich,

Oh my dear necromantic friend, I know all too well the struggle you have been through. Only a few moons ago did a roving pack of these so called “adventurers” kick down the door of my dear friend Granny Greengout and ran off with her cauldron. Her cauldron of all things! And her dinner along with it. If someone wanted that ten year old so badly, they shouldn’t have left him by the bog. Anyways dear, I’ll tell you what I told Greengout. These sorts always want to steal things that are shiny, of obvious worth, or appeal to their sense of narrative. The first defense then is to always make sure your various magical baubles appear less King’s Ransom and more peasant flea market. A nice dense rock is as good a phylactery as a ruby if you go about it right. The second step is, of course, the curses. I always prepare my curses ahead of time as it is much more simple to set the curse’s trigger as “Anyone but Goody” than to have to enact sympathetic magic after the fact.

 That said, if you believe the phylactery is still in their possession, I am always quite thrilled to see a good Fafnir Curse go off. Created a miniature clay representation of your phylactery and a sympathetic fetish of the one who stole it. Into the fetish place the organs of a large rat in the approximate order of a humans save for the heart. Crush the heart, smear it across the phylactery, and stitch it into the chest of the fetish. If the curse takes correctly, the afflicted should become increasingly obsessed with the real…er well real fake phylactery, it becomes their one heart’s desire. Any attempt to remove it from their possession will result in mood swings, distress, and violent reactions. The best part is if they survive for long enough, it’ll eventually turn them into another horde gathering dragons. This is great not only because it gives adventurers someone other than you to hassle, but it helps wonderfully with dragon conservation efforts.

I hope all the best in your eventual conversion to full undeath.

Sincerely,
Goody Mooncup

Message: Dear Goody Mooncup, how do I get rid of Buer? It’s been three weeks and  I don’t think I can take anymore philosophy. Best regards, Gorinich.

Dear Un-Buer-able.

The most important thing when tempted by Buer is to step back and really think over the choices you’ve made up to the point in your life. No matter what choices they were, none of them will be as terrible in retrospect to calling on Buer. That said, now that you’ve already given into the forbidden wheel and let him into your home, the most reasonable choice is to simply burn everything to the ground and start anew. He’ll have, by now, slept in all your sheets, chewed on all your pillows, left ring stains in your tub, left greasy hoof prints everywhere, drank directly from the milk carton, invited over your weird uncle and got drunk on your best spirits, yelled at your neighbors, left hairs in the deodorant, incited your garden to rebellion, left love poems to Sagitarius in the margins of all your books, argued with you over the shape of the planet, and eaten your cat and/or dog. This is not included all the shenanigans he gets into when he starts calling in his own minions and cultist. I imagine at this point, three weeks in, they’ve “liberated” all of the wheels within several miles.

As the Great President of Hell, the only thing that Buer truly fears is impeachment. If you are able to get the signatures of at least have of his fellow Goetic demons, you may be able to scare him off. But really, its probably about time you burned everything down and stayed as far as possible from anything circular.

Sincerely and good luck,
Goody Mooncup

Name: Olgra Crowton



Message: Dear Goody Mooncup

I have long had an love and association with local wildlife and recently have befriended a family of 5 crows.  Every morning they would caw and caw in my yard so I began to feed them raw peanuts. As my friendship grew with this family of crows I decided to become a friendlier feeder so to speak and started roasting the peanuts. I then began noticing changes in the crows with this new diet of cooked nuts!! Have I unwillingly unleashed a new evolutionary stepping stone of super crow!!!??? Should I be worried,  fearful even??!! Will they consider me their god of protein?? Or will they turn on me??!!  Whaaaaaaaaaaat lays in my future? Any advice would be helpful!

Thank you Goody!!!
Olgra

Dear Crow-ny,

Ah, it is hard to beat a good crow as a familiar. Smart as a whip and prone to bringing home shiny presents. Much better than that brief stint I had with owls, who only ever brought me vomited mouse skeletons. Legumes are quite a nice treat for these feathered friends, though I’m sure they’d prefer a good squirrel tartare. Roasting your peanuts do unlock a whole new level of nutritional value for these crows, but I do not think you’ll need to worry about these evolving into psychic super crows or the possibility that they will begin erecting shrines in your honor.

 If these be mundane crows, they may begin bringing you small gifts as they are one of the few animals who seem to have an understanding of trade. However there is always the off chance that one or more of these crows are much more than they appear in the first place. It wouldn’t be the first time a troupe of Imps have decided to mess with a mortal and get from free food out of the bargain as well. I suggest, for safety’s sake, to add a little hot sauce to your next batch of peanuts. If the crows eat them with usual relish, then they are ordinary birds. If, however, they begin to do that hot-mouth two-step you’ve got a batch of imps. Other answers include adding holy water to your bird bath or making a sacrifice to the Demon Lord Caim and asking him if any of his minions have looked especially fat lately. 

Sincerely,

Goody Mooncup

Name: Leslie

Message: Hello.

We (Knight Owl Publishing) just launched our very first Kickstarter for a really cool, new, OSR sourcebook called Worm Witch: The Life and Death of Belinda Blood! We are super excited and we were hoping you might be willing to help us out by sharing it on your blog or on social media. Here are the details and a link to the Kickstarter… https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/dragonstabber/worm-witch-the-life-and-death-of-belinda-blood and a link to our Facebook page in case you’d like to share our post.. https://www.facebook.com/knightowlgames/

The book is packed full of awesome role-playing goodies including:

Annalida: a complete island setting with maps, descriptions, encounters, NPCs, treasure, and more!

Two brand new OSR classes: the Worm Witch and the Worm Warden!

A comprehensive section on Worm Magic, with 42 spells!

A mini-bestiary full of worms!

Tons of the most amazing artwork we’ve ever done!

In addition, we are super excited to announce that Worm Witch: The Life and Death of Belinda Blood will be the first ever official third-party sourcebook for Necrotic Gnome’s insanely awesome Old School Essentials ruleset.

I hope you can help.

Cheers,
Leslie- https://knightowlpublishing.com/  

Dear Dame Leslie, the Owl-Knight,

Well my dear it looks like you’ve less got a question for dear old Goody Mooncup and more of an advertisement. While I do not normally do this sort of thing,dear Belinda has always deserved to have a book written about her. Her ingenious uses for worms always astounded me, though I have to admit riding of Broom Worms was something perhaps beyond my sensibilities. 

My travels have never brought be to Meatlandia, but it is hard not to have heard of the Worm Witchs’ desperate battle for freedom from the Meat Lord. It is terrible to hear of such a passionate and peaceful sisterhood should have to descend into hiding and guerrilla warfare, and I can only hope that publishing Belinda Blood’s story may help their cause.  

I do wish to remind any of my readers who may purchase this tome, bath in the Blood Lake of Annalida at your own risk. If you wish for safer sanguineous bathing opportunities, please refer to The Bloody Beauty by E. Bathory. Otherwise you’ll find in this guide everything you might need to know to tour war-torn Annalida, learn the ways of the disappearing Worm-Witches, and perhaps learn a thing or two about the noble art of helminthology. I also highly recommend gathering some wormberries while you are there: delicious, nutritious, and gives your potions a nice citrus tang.


Sincerely,

Goody Mooncup

And that’s it this week for Dear Goody Mooncup, stay delicious my lovlies! Keep an eye out for my collection of children’s poetry due out upon the next full moon, Wyrd And Whimsy Witches.