Killing Princes for Profit

More Royal mistakes to be made!

So as you know the universe and everything in it is defined by its King. Now I’ll note real quick, if it wasn’t obvious, King in this case is a gender neutral title. A King exists as the ur-example and ruler of…well anything that an example can be made of. There is, for example, a King of Masculinity and a King of Femininity, and a King of ever possible gender identification that you or anyone else could imagine. Okay. So. Princes.

Look at these silly little guys!

For most every King, there is a whole host of Princes. These little guys represent all of the connections and variables within the King’s sphere and connecting over to other King’s spheres. Many Kings are also Princes, for example all individual Animal Kings are Princes of THE Animal King, who in turn is a Prince under the Eukaryote King. It gets convoluted fast. ANYWAYS, as many Kings as there are, there are many more non-king Princes. When a King dies, the Princes battle for supremacy and the winner is crowned King. This is how evolution works and why the polarity of the planet changes every few tens of thousand years.

As I’ve pointed out before, it is possible to kill a King yourself and take their place. The trouble with this is all the responsibility that comes with it. Mismanagement of Kingdoms is why some species specialize themselves into extinction or why we’ve got Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water but no Slood. So really, it is a lot safer and a lot more profitable to kill a Prince than a King.

Princes:

One of these is a Prince, the other impostors. Choose wisely.

HD 0 (HP 1) Prince of Cucumber Sandwiches 

Appearance: A cucumber sandwich about the size of your hand, wearing a small crown
Wants: All cucumber sandwiches to have expertly thin cucumbers and no hint of crust to the bread
Armour: None
Move: 1/2 Normal
Morale: 4
Damage: See below

Cucumber Curse– Save vs. Spell or be unable to gain nourishment from any food source save Cucumber Sandwiches until the curse is lifted.

Food Poisoning– When eaten, Save vs. Poison or take 1d6 temporary CON damage and be fatigued until a full rest.

One of the myriad children of the King of Teatime Etiquette (KTE), PoCS is probably among the puniest of the lot, especially when compared to the likes of Prince Earl Grey. KTE regularly bestows the crown of the Prince anew since PoCS is highly prone to being eaten by noblewomen, bored butlers, scavenging hobos, and your occasional misplaced adventurer. Find this Prince and eat them before it lays its curse upon you and, for the length of a single soiree you will have impeccable manners, be a perfectly witty conversationalist, and be able to cast Glamour of Servitude with two MD once.

Encounter: Hiding among the hors d’oeuvres at the Count’s gala, the chef didn’t cut off all the crusts and the Prince is out for blood.

Encounter: The Prince is seeking to expand his domain into ALL tea sandwiches and seeks right now to defeat its greatest rival, Prince Watercress. It is willing to put in a good word to any minor gentry for assistance.

STOP IT!

HD 2 Prince of Puns
 Appearance: A small constantly twitching imbecile with a tube-shapes head and a question mark crown.
Wants: All humor to be pun based.
Armour: Leather
Move: Normal
Morale: 6
Damage: See below

PUN-ishment: Any time a player says or does something that the GM is able to make a pun out of, the Prince of Puns speaks a pun so terrible that all within hearing range must Save or take 1d6 damage as their ears bleed profusely. Deaf targets are immune, putting hands over your ears gives a +/-4 to the save (as system appropriate).This ability is automatic and targets everyone in hearing range, the Prince of Puns cannot help it.

The Prince of Puns, one of the King of Joke’s least favored children, is the bane of all humor everywhere. You’d like to think that there are good puns out there somewhere. This is a falsehood that the Prince of Puns actively encourages. All puns are terrible. Some puns are just cringe worthy. Some are worthy of defenestration. Do not give into the Prince of Puns.

Defeating Puns and taking the crown gives the wearer the PUN-ishment ability, however the wearer is included in the ability’s effect.

Encounter: Comedy night at the Bards’ College. Someone is telling the worst puns imaginable. Stop the Prince of Puns from this awful influence before the audience dies of internal hemorrhaging.

Encounter: The Prince of Puns is in love with the Prince of Slapstick. Help Puns write a masterful love letter without there being any room for puns.

Find me a better pineapple picture, I dare you.

HD 6 Prince of Pineapples
Appearance: The best pineapple ever. What more do you want?
Wants: To be eaten, to eat you. To be the best tropical fruit ever.
Armour: As Chain
Move: Normal
Morale: 8
Damage: See Below:

Spines: Any melee attack that misses the Prince of Pineapples is automatically countered with the Prince’s spines, dealing 1d8 damage.

Bromelain: Any attack that deals slashing or piercing the Prince of Pineapples releases its acidic juice, dealing 1d4 acid damage to all those in a 10′ cone.

Eat the Eater: If dealt bite damage or if eaten, target must Save vs. Con or be dealt damage as Bromelain for 1d4 rounds or until the acid is somehow neutralized. Target also has a very sore mouth.

One of the Tropical Fruit Princes, Pineapples has been trying to get a foothold among the more broad fruit categories. Prince of Mangoes and Prince of Coconuts have been Pineapple’s primary rivals in this, but thus far Pineapple leads the pack. Pineapple believes itself to be among the coolest of all the Princes and spends most of its time on the beaches with the Prince of Coconuts, who is said to be the secret parent of the Prince of Pina Coladas.

Defeating Pineapple and takings its power grants its Spines. Good luck hugging anyone ever again.

Encounter: The Prince of Pineapples has decided that it will wage a war on the Prince of Apples. Since neither is made for each other’s climate, they wage a proxy war through the PCs.

Encounter: The Chieftain wishes to throw a luau for his daughter’s wedding and will handsomely reward any who bring him the perfect ingredient to go with the roasted pig centerpiece. The Prince of Pineapples would fetch a high price.

HD 8 Prince of Discarded Identities
Appearance: Can appear as any identity that has been permanently discarded by anyone. True appears as a black silhouette.
Wants: To watch over every sloughed off identity and the associated paraphernalia. Discarded ID badges, maiden names,  discarded pseudonyms, etc.
Armour: As identity or as Plate
Move: As identity or as Normal
Morale: 10
Damage: See Below

Assume Identity: The Prince of Discarded Identities can turn into any creature of 5 HD or less, taking 1d6 rounds to transform as it sorts through identities. It takes all derivative stats, weaknesses and abilities of the creature, except HD.

Remove Identity: In its true form, the Prince of Discarded Identities strikes for 1d6 damage. However targets must Save vs (relevant Stat) or have the targeted stat moved towards the baseline average by 1d6. Once all stats are averaged, one more successful strike will cause the target to be absolutely generic and become an NPC.

This Prince ultimately wants to be simply left alone. It protects a vast trove of forgotten, unloved, and otherwise cast off identities. It both loves and hates those who regularly go through identities (such as scoundrels and Dopplegangers) as they continuously produce new identities for the Prince but also not giving the identities the love the Prince wishes for them. This Prince cannot be permanently defeated as killing it merely removes one of its nigh endless forms.

Defeating this Prince allows the victor to assume the identity of whatever the Prince was when it was defeated. Defeating the Prince in its True Form allows the victor to remove themselves permanently from the memory of one person.

Encounter: A serial killer turns out to be an ancient Doppleganger who has been through hundreds of thousands of identities. This Prince might be able to help link the identities together and lead towards the culprit.

Encounter: A PC is given a terrible curse that even the most profound magics seem to be unable to remove. The only way to survive it is to completely change who they are by defeating the Prince of Discarded Identities.

Look at this smug bastard.

10 HD Prince of Princes
Appearance: About 10 cm tall, green, has a little antennae looking crown. So smug you instantly want to slap its face.
Wants: To become the King of Kings.
Armour: As Plate+Shield
Move: 2x Normal
Morale: 12
Damage: See Below:

Royal Heft: While tiny, the Prince of Princes is invested in significant cosmic power and has the square cube law on its side. The Prince has no upper lifting limit, only limited by what the ground below can handle. Anything lifted can then be thrown at a 60′ range increment and damage is done on a scale based on weight. Goblin-sized 1d6, Human sized 2d6, Ogre sized 3d6, Shed sized 4d6 and so on.

Royal Decree: Every 1d6 rounds of combat, the Prince may make a Royal Decree affecting all those in a 30′ cone. Those who hear the Decree must save or be afflicted with a random mutation for 1d6 rounds. If caught in a second Decree while mutated, the target must save again or the mutation is permanent.

Royal Backhand: The Prince may be small, but woe to he who tempts its wrath. Despite coming up to most people’s ankles, the Prince can do 2d6 unarmed damage and knock prone any who fail a Dex save.

Royal Summons: Once per day, the Prince may randomly summon any other single prince in existence. The GM may a specific set in mind or may use a generator like this to create one on the spot. The Prince may dismiss other Princes at a whim.

Like being the number one minion, the beauty contest runner up, the eternal second place, the Prince of Princes is at once the greatest of the Princes and yet has no King to aspire to. You see, the One King, the King of Kings, shattered long ago under the weight of its own Crown, thus giving rise to the Kings of today. The Prince of Princes would be the One King’s inheritor, but the One King’s power lies spread among all who rule in his place. Thus, the Prince merely rules over the Princes, dictating their form and formation while never getting invited to any of the King-Parties. The Prince will show them all! One day…

Defeating the Prince of Princes and taking its crown will give the wearer the Prince’s incredible lifting strength, but also fill them with the Prince’s desire. Every day not spent scheming to kill and defeat a King, make a Wisdom saving throw (or Save Vs. Death or something). Failing the save results in the Prince burrowing out of your skull (3d6 damage, does equal to Int) to reclaim its crown.

Encounter: The Prince is throwing a party for all of its cousin princes. The party, having defeated a prince or two, accidentally get invited. Awkwardness is sure to ensue.

Encounter: The Prince of Marquises has been feeling bold lately, teach them a lesson for us. Or, in reverse, assassinate the Prince of Princes and bring the Prince of Marquises the tiny crown.

Thanks

Thanks to my sister for the Prince of Puns. Thanks to Furtive Goblin for Cucumber Sandwiches. Thanks to David Shugars for Pineapples and Discarded Identities.

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